I’ve put on weight

This year has been a tough one. I would argue my worst to date. 

Dealing with my mum having cancer and seeing her go through chemo, whilst also having financial struggles resulting in us having to sell our house (which has been our home for my entire life), has been difficult to say the least. 

Part of my in built coping strategy is to emotionally eat. To turn to food as a comfort and a safety net. As so many people do; even people within the health, fitness and wellbeing industry, people who coach, counsel and mentor other people who are stuck in these cycles, can also struggle themselves. We are human after all. And food is a constant. We need it to survive. It is a continual part of our lives, so it is understandable for people to turn to the thing they can rely on being there when they are in an otherwise turbulent place. 

Food for me is a source of comfort, it is a part of what I grew up appreciating as more than just fuel. Food was a reward, a celebration, an occasion, a part of our families culture, an enjoyment, something to fill the boredom, an act of love, a cosy night in… and whilst I value being given the gift of appreciating food beyond it being a necessity, it is hard to navigate the compulsion to over eat or turn to food when I know it won’t benefit me, after having the “not-so-helpful” connotations to food ingrained in me as part of my childhood. 

This year has been a tough one and I have granted myself the compassion to understand why I have been turning to food more. My priority hasn’t been to be super committed to my diet over the last few months, it hasn’t been to nail my fitness goals or focus on my daily habits… it has been to support my mum and navigate the emotional rollercoaster that has been the last eight months. All goals, even none health and fitness related, have had to take a back seat as they were not the priority, and that is ok. 

So often we feel guilty or bad for not achieving certain goals when we actually just need to accept that their time isn’t now and that other things are needing our focus first; but that we can press pause and come back to said things once we have room for them to be a priority. 

This is something I’ve had to remind myself of this year (especially as I am also still figuring out the after effects of long covid on my health and fitness… which is madness really!) 

It’s been hard to see myself gain weight when it has not been a choice but a response, when it was a result of me falling short of my usual forms of self care as a reaction to me needing more comfort than discipline. When as a coach who has forever felt the undeniable pressure to be in a certain “type” of body, it is hard to keep the imposter syndrome at bay as you move further away from the industry stereotype and fail to practice what you preach.

In addition it is hard to navigate the desire to prioritise weight-loss when your premise as a coach is to help people move away from this as a focal point, you don’t want to appear hypocritical when you express your discomfort at the changes you are seeing that relate to your body (although you are aware that they are connected to other things going on in your life and not a solely physical issue). 

My body is not the problem. Just as your’s is not your problem. 

Unfortunately our body’s become the punching bag. 

They get the side effects and consequences of our actions and then, in turn, the blame. 

This blog is not just a cathartic experience to vocalise my inner thoughts and emotions over my recent weight gain (I say recent… but it so far has spanned over 8 months and so is different to stepping on the scale and noting general weekly fluctuations), but it is also a space to express that it is ok to gain weight even when you don’t want to. It is ok to not just jump straight onto a diet when you feel your clothes getting more snug. It is ok to accept that there is more going on in life that requires your energy and attention over your aesthetic. 

But it is also ok to reach a point where you start to feel the urge to make a conscious effort to take charge of the situation so you don’t end up further embedded somewhere you don’t want to be. 

I have gained weight.

I know why. 

I appreciate and respect my reaction to the noise around me.

I have been compassionate with the shift in priorities and my bodies non-verbal communication.

I have now reached a stage where I can start to refocus on the things I have paused as an act of self care, in a bid now to increase area’s of self care I had moved away from. 

Yet I will also be taking my time to tread carefully back to where I want to be rather than overwhelming myself by putting too much pressure to “snap back”.

It is perfectly reasonable to be aiming for weight-loss whilst also actively challenging peoples expectations that they’ll automatically be happier when they lose weight. (Spoiler: you won’t)

So if you take anything from my self-declaration let it be that you need to develop a level of self awareness and compassion so you can navigate the turbulence that is life without turning against yourself should you temporarily lose a part of who you are. Let it be that you start to appreciate and understand that your body and mind will communicate with you in different ways and it is worth the patience and effort to learn its unique language. And finally that your worth is not defined by your weight; weight changes are a normal response to life and your body doesn’t deserve the blame for the rest of the noise it it responding to. 

If you need any help navigating the space you are currently in (regardless of where that is) get in touch.

All the love,